Sticks and Stones – An Erroneous Belief

Some time ago, I wrote a post about how mental or emotional junk may be holding you back. You can read that by clicking here. I am going to expand on that in this one.

Do you recall how as a child, you may have dreamt about what you would be when you grew up. It may have been president, a star athlete, an astronaut, an actor or actress, a doctor or a nurse.

Did your dreams come true? Did you become what you dreamed about? Has your life been what you imagined?

Sticks and Stones May Break Your Bones But Words Will Never Hurt Me

Many of us heard this over and over again as we grew up. We never really thought about it or wondered if it was true.

Sadly, many people did not become who they expected to be or have the lives they expected. What we never realized was how much others told us had to do with us never becoming the person we dreamed about becoming.

At times, it may have been our parents. They may have told us we would never be who we dreamed about being or get what we wanted. Our dream was unrealistic. Sometimes, their comment may have been really cruel: Here are some:

  • Big boys don’t cry.
  • Wear your big girl pants.
  • You’re stupid.
  • You’re ugly.
  • You’re fat.
  • You’re lazy.
  • Only speak when you’re spoken to.
  • You’ll never amount to anything.
  • You’ll never accomplish that. You just don’t have the ability.
  • If you don’t behave, I’ll have to call the police. They will take you away.
  • How could you be so lame?

Our siblings may also have told us cruel things which reinforced what our parents said:

  • You know Dad was right. You really are dumb.
  • There’s no hope for you.
  • Do you think you have a chance with that girl? You are too fat.
  • There’s no sense in trying. You just won’t succeed.
  • An astronaut. You’ve got to be kidding me.

Sometimes teachers in school made comments that really hurt us.:

  • Your brother was much smarter than you.
  • You’re not as good as Shawn.
  • You’re just not cut out for this class.
  • You’ll never succeed.
  • How many times will I have to repeat myself before you get this?
  • You’re so disrespectful.
  • Everyone else in the class gets it. Why don’t you?

At times crushing comments even came from fellow students, even our friends

  • You’re such a nerd.
  • You’re not one of the jocks.
  • Me go out with you? You’ve got to be kidding!!!!
  • You’re a freak.
  • Don’t be such a wimp.
  • I wouldn’t be caught dead in those clothes.

Sadly, when we heard comments like this, we never spoke out. They just sank in. We started to believe they were true.

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)

In the 1990’s, a study was done by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC0 and Kaiser Permanente in California. It was on Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs).

Participants were given a 10 question test. (You can see the test by clicking here.) They answered yes or no to each one. Every “yes” answer indicated an adverse childhood experience.

Each person’s health and the quality of their life was reviewed. The study revealed adverse experiences during childhood were strongly related to the development of health problems and poor quality of life later in life.

Since then, the study has been done several different times. THE CDC reports:

“ACEs are common. About 64% of adults in the United States reported they had experienced at least one type of ACE before age 18. Nearly one in six (17.3%) adults reported they had experienced four or more types of ACEs.”

The Pinetree Institute reports:

“Individuals with a score of four or more ACES had higher odds of anxiety and depression than children with a score less than four. Those with a score of 4 or more were 12 times more likely to have attempted suicide, 7 times more likely to be an alcoholic and 10 times more likely to have injected street drugs. Those with scores of 6 and higher have a lifespan almost 20 years shorter than other people.”

Sadly, the ACEs study only dealt with physical or mental trauma a child experienced in the home they grew up in. It did not take into account the trauma they may have experienced from their friends, teachers or other people outside their homes.

Your Internal Critic

During each of our childhoods, we started to develop our own internal critic. Frequently this critic is far more brutal than our parents, siblings, teachers or friends ever were. It has a life of its own. It just keeps on telling us negative things about ourselves over and over again at the most inappropriate times.

Somewhere in the past, I read that as an adult we spend our lives trying to overcome the trauma and hurt we experienced growing up.

Most of us keep this internal critic bottled up inside of us. Unfortunately, we continue to give it more ammunition to use against us when we say something nasty to our spouse or our children, when we make a sarcastic comment to a friend or coworker, when we gain a few extra pounds or when we do less than we are capable of.

We fail to realize we’re not alone – everyone we know and talk to has their own internal critic. While we know the damage our critic causes to us, we never think about how much damage anyone else’s does to them.

I’m Fine

When others ask us how we are doing, our natural response is we’re fine. Normally we don’t say how we truly are. We don’t let them know we didn’t get the job or the promotion we wanted, our spouse is not talking to us, our children said they hate us or our own critic says we’re such a loser.

Is there any wonder why we never became the person we dreamed about being when we were young? Our critic told us over and over again we couldn’t.

It’s Time to Change

You may be saying you’re too old. You can’t defeat this critic that has controlled you throughout your life.

Every time that voice inside of you says you can’t do something, say Stop. That’s not true.

Any time someone tells you that you are stupid, say to yourself that’s not true. You are smart. You just have not had the opportunity to learn what you need to do in this situation. However, you will.

When you want to try something but are afraid to because no one in your family has ever done this before, just give yourself permission to try to do it. Even if you don’t succeed, you will learn something valuable in the process.

Your Goal is to Stop Your Critic in Its Tracks.

You are very capable of doing this. You will surprise yourself by talking back to your critic.

Some of the negative beliefs we have are so ingrained that nothing we can do will let us change them. When we encounter these, we need outside help to change them. There are many resources available which we can use to overcome them. At times, we may even need to see a therapist to help us.

You may be saying to yourself you could never see a therapist. Don’t fall for that. You would be surprised by the number of people who go to them.

You want to have the best life you can have. At your core you want to make your life better. You want to use all the resources you have available to make that happen.

Not Only Can We Help Our Family, We Can Help Others

As you have been reading this, you may have realized you have said negative things to your spouse or children. In the process, these may have caused them to start to develop their own internal critic or make worse the one they already had.

It’s never too late to change.

Let them know you are sorry for things you have said in the past which may have hurt them. Add that it may be tough for you but you will focus on not saying those hurtful things again.

Any chance you get, say something positive to them or about what they did. Start by practicing on those you don’t know – a server in a restaurant, a clerk at a store, someone who helps you or someone else.

Every time you make a positive comment, you will make them feel better about themselves. You will also improve their relationship with you.

Practice With Your Grandchildren

The one good thing about having grandchildren is each of us have the opportunity to correct the mistakes we made with their parents as they grew up. Always remember – only tell them positive things. Don’t tell they any negative ones.

Always Remember – Everyone is Their Own Internal Critic

Any time you are talking to or working with another person, remember their internal critic is always on their case too.

• Avoid making any negative comments.

• Get in the habit of complimenting them.

Your goal is to help them feel better about themselves. When you do this, you will find they will start to trust you more.

Don’t Let What You Read Here Become a Distant Memory

You may say to yourself, “This is great advice. I will work on controlling my own Internal Critic and not let it affect me.” Sadly, life inevitably gets in the way and what you have read here will be a distant memory.

Don’t let that happen. Read this once a day for the next week. Then read it once a week for the next 2 months. Then read it once a month for the next year.

You want your work here to become an ingrained habit. That way you will be sure to take back control of your life from your Internal Critic.

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If you have any comments on what you have read in this post, please email them to me. Also – if you have any ideas about subjects you would like to see discussed in future posts, please send me an email and let me know. My email address is bob.ooablog@gmail.com